Closure

"Don't speak, I know what you're thinking and I don't need your reasons..Don't tell me cause it hurts..."

I spent weeks loking for an answer,but the answer found me. I spent nights looking for a solution,but the solution found me. At first it came crawling, whispering shy...so I could barely hear it. I decided to ignore it. I needed something stronger, a powerful reason to be selfish and rational, to ignore my own feelings and wishes. But the answer was there,in the corner, waiting patiently for me to decide. When I didn't, it came right next to me, it became clear and obvious...it was impossible for me not to hear it. But once again, I had no strength and no will.
....Aparenta mea hotarare s-a prabusit intr-o secunda, gandurile mele s-au transformat in simple sunete fara sens, argumentele mele s-au pierdut, vointa mea s-a transformat in cenusa. So I went along with it allowing you to manipulate me again. Am uitat tot ce simtisem cu cateva clipe inainte, tot ce mi se spusese, tot ce ma decisem. Totul apartinea trecutului si singurul lucru care conta era clipa de fata, faptul ca nu puteam sa iti intorc spatele, sa te abandonez desi aveai nevoie de mine. Asa ca am inchis adanc in mine toate frustrarile si gandurile din ultimele zile si am incercat din nou sa te ascult, sa fiu la fel de rabdatoare si intelegatoare ca altadata. Am plecat mai confuza ca intotdeauna,stiam ce ar fi trebuit sa fac, stiam ca gresisem lasand garda jos pentru a mia oara, ignorand din nou propria persoana.
...That was the moment the answer lost it's patience completely. It couldn't wait anymore, it couldn't understand me anymore and there I was, in the middle of the night, all alone in the coldness...listening to it screaming,making me feel like a fool.
Stiam ca nu mai pot sa am dubii, auzeam aceleasi cuvinte neincetat, mi se aruncau din toate partile dovezi ale faptului ca m-ai mintit si simteam ca imi fuge pamantul de sub picioare, ca am paralizat, ca nu mai pot sa ma misc sau sa vorbesc, simteam cum, incetul cu incetul,ma pierd si ma prabusec. Si m-am prabusit...si m-am pierdut de tot si m-am uitat inlauntrul meu, revelandu-mi fiecare frustrare pe care in ultimele luni am ignorat-o, am inchis-o adanc, incercand sa ma prefac ca nu a fost niciodata prezenta. I saw how lost I was and thought : "I am not that girl". No matter who you are how much I care about you, I am not the girl that loses her will in front of someone else. If you can't respect me,then I will. Guess I needed the final punch. Again.
..Asa ca am ales ca de data aceasta sa nu mai fac nimic. I'm not trying to take a stand, or to make a decision. Pur si simplu ma voi retrage, incet, dar sigur. It's over.

I never wanted this...

" We cling so tightly to the stories we tell ourselves,not realising that
what we really should do is let go. Let go of the belief that we are
invincible, let go of the idea that we can't do it on our own, let go of
... the fairytale."

In urma cu o saptamana m-am gasit din nou bantuita de o dorinta care-si face mereu aparitia in momentele in care caut un raspuns. Imi doream o mica escapada din cotidian, o zi departe de tot,cateva ore in care sa nu ma mai intreb, sa nu mai caut, sa nu mai incerc...ci doar sa fiu eu, sa traiesc prezentul fara sa-l explici si fara sa incerc sa anticipez viitorul.
So...I called my friends and slowly,but surely,we planned a short trip, we planned our sweet escape. M-am lasat dusa de val si, inainte sa-mi dau seama, m-am trezit cu biletul de tren in mana, fara sa stiu ce urma sa descopar. Era exact ce aveam nevoie: sa nu gandesc, ci doar sa actionez.
In dimineata plecarii noastre, mirosul de cafea proaspata si soarele care stralucea timid prevesteau o zi perfecta de toamna. Urcandu-ma in tren, simteam ca ma indepartez, nu doar fizic, ci si spiritual, de confuzii si incertitudini. Stiam ca aveam sa ma intorc, stiam ca in cele din urma va trebui sa iau o decizie, sa infrunt lucrurile de care fugeam, dar in acel moment si in orele ce au urmat stiam de asemenea ca...nu conteaza nimic decat clipa de fata. Mi-am permis deci o zi in care sa profit de soare, sa admir minunatele strazi si cladiri din Bratislava, sa ma plimb intr-un oras necunoscut, sa iau pranzul pe malul Dunarii, sa nu raspund la telefon si sa uit...de tot.
N-am considerat niciodata fuga ca fiind o solutie, nu am plecat in speranta ca anumite lucruri se vor rezolva de la sine, nu am plecat in cautarea unui raspuns, am plecat pentru ca imi doream ceva nou, o zi buna, o sursa de energie pozitiva...si nimic nu ma vindeca mai bine decat un peisaj frumos si cateva clipe fericite.
Sure, at the end of the day...I had to come back. And altough everything was the same, I knew I could take my time to organise everything I needed to do and to decide what's best for me. The problem is: I still don't have an answer. For the first time in a really long time...I don't know what I want, I don't know what to do.
Daca ar fi sa formulez cat mai simplu si concret dorinta mea, as putea spune: Vreau sa fiu fericita. But then again, who doesn't? And saying that I'm unhappy would also be a lie. I'm not unhappy, mostly I just feel....satisfied with my life, lucky, maybe even cheerful sometimes. But not happy. Imi lipseste entuziasmul de altadata, sentimentul acela de profunda fericire, a carei intensitate nu se compara cu nimic, desi e efemera. I miss the fireworks, the moments I wanted to climb the highest mountains and tell the world how I feel. Nowadays it feels like things are going from bad to worse, every day that passes by makes me feel more and more frustrated...with myself and the whole world. I know I'm stuck again, caught up in a vicious circle that I somehow can't leave. Deep down I know I've made my decision, but will my heart ever catch up with my mind? Will I be able to say it? To turn around, to put an end to this, without feeling selfish, without being afraid of judgment? I've tried any other way and it just didn't work out, I need to stop looking for answers and just accept the one I've been given, I have to embrace reality and realise that, no matter how hard I tried, I've never been the girl that settles for what she can get. I want more. I deserve more.
Every night I go to sleep thinking I know what to do, realising that I don't wanna feel so restless anymore, so tiny and insignificant. In fiecare zi ma simt de parca as lupta cu morile de vant, de parca as fi intr-o continua asteptare ce se prelungeste la nesfarsit. Dar din pacate imi e greu sa concretizez ce simt, sa nu ma judec si sa nu ma las judecata, sa plec mai departe fara sa ma intreb "what if...?".
Sometimes I feel like my heart's beating too fast, like I can't breathe, like I'm drowning in the mess I've created. But I can't move forward...I need to escape again, but will that change anything?