Closure

"Don't speak, I know what you're thinking and I don't need your reasons..Don't tell me cause it hurts..."

I spent weeks loking for an answer,but the answer found me. I spent nights looking for a solution,but the solution found me. At first it came crawling, whispering shy...so I could barely hear it. I decided to ignore it. I needed something stronger, a powerful reason to be selfish and rational, to ignore my own feelings and wishes. But the answer was there,in the corner, waiting patiently for me to decide. When I didn't, it came right next to me, it became clear and obvious...it was impossible for me not to hear it. But once again, I had no strength and no will.
....Aparenta mea hotarare s-a prabusit intr-o secunda, gandurile mele s-au transformat in simple sunete fara sens, argumentele mele s-au pierdut, vointa mea s-a transformat in cenusa. So I went along with it allowing you to manipulate me again. Am uitat tot ce simtisem cu cateva clipe inainte, tot ce mi se spusese, tot ce ma decisem. Totul apartinea trecutului si singurul lucru care conta era clipa de fata, faptul ca nu puteam sa iti intorc spatele, sa te abandonez desi aveai nevoie de mine. Asa ca am inchis adanc in mine toate frustrarile si gandurile din ultimele zile si am incercat din nou sa te ascult, sa fiu la fel de rabdatoare si intelegatoare ca altadata. Am plecat mai confuza ca intotdeauna,stiam ce ar fi trebuit sa fac, stiam ca gresisem lasand garda jos pentru a mia oara, ignorand din nou propria persoana.
...That was the moment the answer lost it's patience completely. It couldn't wait anymore, it couldn't understand me anymore and there I was, in the middle of the night, all alone in the coldness...listening to it screaming,making me feel like a fool.
Stiam ca nu mai pot sa am dubii, auzeam aceleasi cuvinte neincetat, mi se aruncau din toate partile dovezi ale faptului ca m-ai mintit si simteam ca imi fuge pamantul de sub picioare, ca am paralizat, ca nu mai pot sa ma misc sau sa vorbesc, simteam cum, incetul cu incetul,ma pierd si ma prabusec. Si m-am prabusit...si m-am pierdut de tot si m-am uitat inlauntrul meu, revelandu-mi fiecare frustrare pe care in ultimele luni am ignorat-o, am inchis-o adanc, incercand sa ma prefac ca nu a fost niciodata prezenta. I saw how lost I was and thought : "I am not that girl". No matter who you are how much I care about you, I am not the girl that loses her will in front of someone else. If you can't respect me,then I will. Guess I needed the final punch. Again.
..Asa ca am ales ca de data aceasta sa nu mai fac nimic. I'm not trying to take a stand, or to make a decision. Pur si simplu ma voi retrage, incet, dar sigur. It's over.